Being Fat and Single and oh getting old!

I never in my life thought I would 1st of all be divorced with kids when I was 37, but that is the facts of my life. What can you do? I tried to make my marriage work, but I just couldn't keep my ex husbands pants zipped up. I can tell you it seriously not easy dating. I can't blame my age for the dating that's not the issue on that. I blame myself I have always had somewhat of a weight issue most of my teen and adult life. Lately my weight had just gotten our of control. I have gained about 20 lbs in the past 4 or 5 years..Some people may say that isn't much for 4 or 5 years. Yes, it really is when you are already over weight. I have dated being over weight and I have dated a couple really great guys who I am still friends with today. I just feel like the guys who don't mind a larger girl can see I am not comfortable with myself so why bother? The men who have been asking me out lately are men who have mentally incapable. I am being literal guys who can't drive or work they have to have some to support them and get disability payments. I don't have a problem with any person with a disability, I can barely take care of my daughters and myself much less someone else.

The crazy thing about be being overweight is I do know what to eat and how to lose weight. I absolutely have no motivation. I know most of it is the depression talking and causing a mental block of doing what I need to do. And the price on fresh fruit and veggies is so crazy. I have been slowly trying to get myself going . With food I have been to control my portion size and eating more whole grains at least for breakfast. I love oatmeal just eating it in a more healthier way is hard. When I have oatmeal I like to have it sweetened I use a sugar free sweetener, some people like to use honey, but since someone in m family is allergic to honey we don't keep it in the house. Here is my biggest problem with food or drink.. I am caffeine addicted and I drink a lot of coffee and I love sugar in my coffee the sweeter in coffee is just nasty. I will try sometimes,but never last long. I also have problems drinking water I have coffee 3 times a day I might have a glass of sweet tea at dinner , I never remember the water unless my kidney's hurt. That is a struggle I will have to work on.


The getting old part sucks to and being overweight I am feeling the effects in my knees and legs which causes some part of having trouble working out for a long period of time and forget climbing too may stairs, but I will take the stairs over the elevator at some places so I am not lazy. I only have knee pain in the fall and winter. I have had back pains, which contribute to my uncomfortable bed. I am smart and I know if I lose some weight those problems will get better.

I will try to post any results I will have during my journey on how I am doing with my struggles with my weight dating and being old.

cpt Waynick Kenneth

My brother is been in Iraq for a few months and as any family knows who has or has family over there it is nerve racking. I do think God everyday that it's not as bad as it was, but it's not safe still and people are still being killed. I guess I have such a special place in my heart he is 10 years younger than me. He's my baby.

I remember a few weeks ago in Ramadi where he is stationed some prisoners had escaped, everyone was on lock down after dark. My mom heard this on the news and was in such a huge wreck she attempted to mail Kenneth or find him on line on myspace but he wasn't online. My mom was freaking out. About a day or two after that he emailed my mom and said the prisoners where captured or killed. I hate that is how it had to be, but at the sametime I am relieved.

It's hard when no one hears from him weeks at a time he's not too much into messaging us or emailing any of us.. he says no news is good news.

It is so hard being the stong one in the family. My mom is a mess over him being there.. she isn't the same person being around her sometimes is like walking on egg shells. One minute she is happy the next she will bite your head off. If she is mad at one person we all duck and cover. We have had a tough year or so. My grandmother id in the nursing home as well she isn't doing good and we are told she mmight only make it another couple months. I will go into that much later. I mentioned to her that she might want to go back on her Zoloft while all this is going on, she said I wished you guys would stop bugging me about that.. I guess I am not the olnly one who thinks that.. she gets so mean sometimes I am afraid my dad will leave her. AND my sister Eve she is a train wreck herself.. but the seems to be the one who takes things to heart. I just feel like I have to be strong everyone one don't need to fall apart right now. Believe me I wish I could be alone so I can just let it out I would feel better. I also don't want to let my daughters seem me a mess.

I know my brother will make it home ok. he will be home in 2 or 3 months. Just seeing everyone so depressed just brings me down some. I know some of what I have written may not make since or jumbled.. this is how it is all in my head so that is how it all come out.

I am not a super religious person, but I do pray to god to keep my brother safe and al the other troops fighting for our country and keeping us safe.