Love your self

I was talking to a friend t work last week about being single/divorced.  She said she had been divorce for 3 years and I had been divorced about 13 or more years and I have been single 10 years.  She said she was much happier being a single mom and the thought of dating wasn't an option.  I agreed I am much happier than I realized.

I can remember many times wishing I would find someone to love and not being alone.  I have dated, but it never went anywhere,  I  wondered what is wrong with me where nothing ever seems to work out beyond a date or two.  The one thing I have quickly realized that I didn't love myself.  I  never thought I was ever good enough for the men I was interested in. Their was so much self loathing.  Everything in my life was going to pieces.  I had gotten sick for awhile and had to have surgery and found out I was diabetic so that made me feel look I have failed myself . I had gained so much weigh I got to around to 320 lbs.

Being 320 lbs was a huge wake up call.  I started losing weight because I had gotten sick.. I realized that I have to treat myself much better. I started eating better and working out at the gym. That really made me feel so much better.  I started to actually like who I am.  Me being happy also made start to actually love myself.. I know I'm not perfect and no one is.  I have flaws I don't like it just keeps me moving in the right direction.

I have finally found a job and it feels good to be making money again.  I feel like I can provide better for my kids even the one who don't live with me.  I am at the point that I feel that I am ready to find someone in my life. I feel good about who I am and not worried if I am good enough.  I am still fine if I am not with someone unlike before.  I have finally found the key to my happiness. If you don't love yourself how can you love someone else or maintain a relationship.

Stress,Anger, and Keeping Peace

September 30 wasn't a day I can say was great at all.  I had to be at work at work at 6:30 A.M. which sucked since the night before I couldn't sleep to save my life.  My daughter was upset she had talked to her dad and he wasn't happy with her grades, which I understand because I'm not happy myself.  But they do look worse than they look even on her report card she  had actually gotten Oct 1 which is still today for me. She had gotten a 0 in one of her class, which I know she has been doing her work. I told my child when she talked to the school counselor to talk to her about the teacher not putting in her grades and being in class playing on his computer the whole time. I know she is graded weird in that class even though she has to make an 85 to move on to the next lesson.. she is graded by the percentage of the class through out the whole school year.  I know she is doing work because I see her doing it.  Her Heath grade was bad as well..but since report card was given she had turned in somethings and if she continues she should pass.  Her dad took her phone away which that is his provocative to do so. His mom pays for it.

Back to my bad day, had called my Ex Husband for a different reason I had already planned to call him about the child's doctor appointment.  He was telling me he had a conversation which my oldest about my other ex which was a boyfriend (not husband I thank god) beating her and her sister when I wasn't home. I knew he had spanked them 3 or 4 times when I was home and we argued about that I didn't want him to touch my kids because they are my kids to discipline not this especially when he never would discipline his own daughter. The reason I left him was because I didn't like the way he treated my kids.. I never ever knew he was beating my kids when IO wasn't home.  I know my kids where small back then, But I really wish I knew  the extent of whet was going on.  I feel responsible for what happened even though I had no clue.. I feel like I should have known.

I have been single 10 years I don't trust anyone at all.  Even though I didn't to how extreme the abuse was I still hated how my kids where treated from what I knew and I never wanted my kids to be around someone who treated the without respect.  Which I can say I have learned a lot from being single.  I know what I want and not settle I would rather be single that to rush into a relationship with someone because my family thought that guy was my perfect match.. He was a wolf in sheep's clothing.

I hope things get better for the kids as well as myself and anyone in my life.  The only thing I say is things can only get better.  I have control of my life I let good happen .. I have always told my kids that.. I always say you make your own happy.. Don't let anyone bring you down shrug it off and move along.. I have wiped out all  the negative people in my life I simply don't associate with anyone who seems to be unhappy and try to bring me down.  I don't talk to people who cause drama.  If I do have to talk or be with any people like this.. I just keep it short and keep calm.

I am glad my ex husband talked to me about this.  It was hard to hear but I need to hear it. Time to go to bed it's way past my bed time.  GOODNIGHT! <3 p="">

It's been 2 years oh my!

I didn't realize how long it had been since I last posted anything until my post early early this morning. Two years has passed. I do have an excuse..... My computer completely stopped working. My icons to get on to the internet had disappeared.  After that happened I was left using my phone as my computer and you know that isn't really the b est way to blog.

In the last 2 years I have turned 40 O.M.G.!! I am getting so old and some days I really feel it.  I'm still single, it has been almost 10 years since I have been in a serious relationship.. Even though I think it sucks to be single sometimes , it has been the best thing in the world for me. I am so glad I'm not one of those people who has  to be in relationship to feel complete. I have realized that I'm not perfect and I am at fault at time.. which I kinda knew I wasn't perfect in my past relationships I know I have made so many mistakes, it has just took me this long to be able to admit my wrong doings.

I think every year I have learned more and more about myself and what I am about I have also learned how to keep my mouth shut when I am suppose to.. Yes, I haven't always held up to that in some circumstances, but for the most part I have made leaps and bounds.  I had someone say to me you know everyone sees what you post on facebook.. referring to me going to a diner to have coffee late at night.. I didn't say anything because I didn't do anything wrong I wasn't out drinking or party.  I wasn't doing anything I wasn't suppose to be doing. My kids where with me or being very well taken care of. I think I have the right to sit in a coffee shop having coffee and perhaps some food.  I was proud of myself for not arguing back and stating my case because it wasn't their business.  For that I gave myself a big pat on the back.


Since I have posted anything here so much has happened.  The most devastating thing I ever had to encounter was my daughter who is now 19 moving out.  It hurt so bad at 1st I felt rejected and as if I did something wrong to make her want to leave ME.  I know she is 19 but she is still in school and I never thought she would leave until she was done. I felt angry and I know I took it out on her and she was mad at me for a minute.  She moved in with her dad and I wasn't being nice to him either. Her dad and I talked and I felt much better. I don't talk to her as much as I like.  Sometimes when I call she isn't in the mood to talk and someday s I can't get her off the phone which is great.

I have also found a job.. It's not the job I want but the one I need.  I can't or try not to complain because I am truly grateful to have a job after going so long without one.  I  go do my job and come home. I don't go to work looking for friends.. which is fine.. some of the women I work with love talking negative about other people who work there and I really don't have tiome for that.


I guess I am happy.. I mean life could be worse and miserable I can only make things better no one else can do it for me.. I make my own happy. I am learning how.. I am ready to find someone now I know what I am looking for now.. My only problem is I am not good at approaching anyone I am interested in and I never go out.. so this will be an interesting journey for the next part of my life. Stay tuned if you follow me.

Family love

I am kinda lucky to have grown up in  a pretty close nit family, I know many people aren't that lucky.  Some families move away and lose touch with one another. I do have some family I don't get to see as often as I would like to.. but be still remain pretty close.  I was luck to have all 4 grandparents around me while growing up they all loved each and everyone of us the same.. none of us where love more than the other. It's  sad they have all passed on. I miss them more and more everyday.

I really wished my kids had the same as I did,   But sometimes that isn't something you can control. As long as they both know I love them unconditionally that is all that matters.

Going On's

Now school has started back it's time for the busy schedule to start, but I really don't think it will be as bad as it was last year.  I for one don't have to pick my youngest up with her Giant Bass. What I thought was cool is that her High School Orchestra teacher has assigned her a Bass that she can leave at home and she has one to play at school. I still have to carry her to Kennesaw State University for GYSO practice and that means lugging the Bass. This year her teacher has assigned her a bigger one than last year and its harder to fit in my little car.

This similar to what she is playing now!

But on Fridays I have both to pick up for Japanese club instead of 1 kid.  I think is a very good trade off.  This year I plan to be more involved than the following years since I have 2 in the same school it will be much easier. I am looking forward to Football Games, Homecomings and such  if they decide to go, which I think my youngest will. I want this year to be real fun for them both. 

I have finally learned not to let my life totally revolve around my diabetes  I will try any ways. For once its not the first and last thing I think about before I go to sleep that is always good.  I was really having a hard time at first it felt as is if it was running my life and I had no control just a lot of frustrations.  I have feel of the bans wagon lately I have slowly been adding junk to my diet. I was doing so well.  I had lost over 40 lbs in the last year.. Now I am stuck in between gaining 5 lbs then losing it. I haven't been drinking water like I was or working out.  I am making a promise to myself starting September the 1st I am gonna Drink more what and work out 4 to 5 times a week. I know I can do it I have before.. I have a lack of motivation here lately, I am going to find some motivation and get busy. I have stop eating Jalapeno Cheetos which are my number 1 weakness. I still stay away from sugar, but there has been a time or 2 when I had cookies or something along those lines not often much I still should stay away.  

That is all I have going on for the fall. I will post more fun or updates as they come.  I just wanna be happy and to make my family happy and do the best that I can. Good Bye and until next time with all my Love Char!!

School Starts Monday

I am trying to decide if this summer has flown by or not. Kinda , but not really.  For the most part we didn't do anything such as traveling.  My youngest daughter was having really bad headaches, so I made her an appointment, Come to find out he had high blood pressure actually really high. We where sent to the a Cardiologist and Neurologist. The Cardiologist put her on Blood pressure medication on her second visit.  I changed her diet, it was so hard to keep the sodium away from her she is so addicted to snacks with tons of it in it.  She had lost some weight.  We where sent to the Neurologist for the headaches which are migraines., she also had med for that, but its not working that well. I am glad to have gotten all that taken care of.  I made my oldest an appointment as well, the basics , blood work and shots she had to catch up on.  I had to make her a regular appointment to get other things sorted out.


My youngest had a better Summer than the rest of us, beyond being on Playstation Home.  She was able to spend time with her friend before she moves to Florida. She went to the Zoo and also Warp Tour.  Most of the Summer was sitting around relaxing and hanging out with the family. I wish I could have provided more entertainment, maybe next summer.

Yesterday we had open house for my youngest.. It's hard to believe my baby starts High School.  It was very early this morning we was their 3 hours. I know she had to be nervous. There a few loose ends t be tied up, but other than that we are on track with things.  I am dreading carried her giant Bass back to school. I really don't miss those days.  I know its a good thing for her to do.  Until Next Time Good Night and Sweet Dreams to everyone.

Life Changing

I sorta stopped posting.. I hope my life would be on the up side. I had applied for a job and didn't get it. I am actually glad I didn't. I think a week after I applied at did the interview I got sick again with Pancretits .. I know I wrote it wrong. Anyways I was admitted in the hospital for 3 days. I now have diabetes I knew I had it, but never had help for it until now. I have finished my classes for that and I have been losing weight. Not only I have to watch my sugar I can't have beef or anything fried. Which this had been going on awhile.. but from being admitted in the hospital from eating pizza, I am very careful.

I started out being depressed, but it is actually a blessing. I am losing weight and eating so much better I feel better than I have in awhile. I have decided this a new turn around, I plan to get off my butt and start worrying about myself. I hope that if I lose enough weight I will be able to stop taking insulin. That is my wish anyways.. I am pretty strong willed when I want something bad enough. I am ready to start a new journey and a new life.